RBA to decide your mortgage based on imaginary shopping basket tomorrow

BUSINESS · EXPLAINER

The Reserve Bank will release inflation data gathered from a theoretical collection of goods that do not physically exist, and this will, somehow, determine whether you can afford your home.

The Australian Reserve Bank confirmed today that it will release Consumer Price Index data tomorrow morning, a measure constructed from a metaphorical basket of goods that exists only in the minds of statisticians and the fever dreams of mortgage brokers across the nation.

The CPI basket, a theoretical construct used to track inflation, contains items such as "groceries," "fuel," and "rent" — concepts so divorced from the lived experience of Australian consumers that economists have begun referring to it internally as "the Plato's Cave thing."

A 52-year-old mortgage broker in Parramatta, who declined to be named but admitted to refreshing the ABS website every 90 seconds since Monday, confirmed that the basket's contents would determine whether he could continue charging couples $4,200 to refinance a loan they already regret taking out.

"It's all very scientific," he told reporters while staring at a spreadsheet that may or may not have contained actual numbers. "The basket contains bread. Not bread you have purchased. Not bread at Woolies or Coles. Bread. Platonic bread. And tomorrow, that bread will either make your repayments go up or stay the same, and there's nothing anyone can do about it."

Economists have long defended the basket methodology, arguing that it provides a stable, comparable measure of price movements over time. Critics, however — including a growing cohort of Australians who have purchased actual groceries in the past six months — have noted that the basket bears almost no resemblance to the experience of going to Coles on a Friday evening and discovering that a block of Mainland cheddar now costs $8.49.

The RBA will announce the inflation figure at 11:30am tomorrow. Mortgage holders are encouraged to either prepare themselves mentally or simply turn off their phone for the remainder of the week.

At press time, a spokesperson for the Reserve Bank confirmed that the basket was "purely indicative" and that the actual economic pressures on household budgets were, in fact, "beside the point."

It's all very scientific. The basket contains bread. Not bread you have purchased. Not bread at Woolies. Bread.— Anonymous mortgage broker, Parramatta

Filed by Clancy Overell — The Brainrot Desk

Source: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2026-04-28/new-inflation-data-drops-tomorrow-cpi-explainer/106592172